My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I love having hate sex.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
