I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
