How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
