I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
