dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
