i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Randomize
