I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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