i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
