Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
