i just made my gag reflex go away.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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