there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
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