I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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