i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
