I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
