Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
