I will die if light touches me.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
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