Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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