Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She bit a glass in half.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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