I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Drunk is a universal language darling
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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