Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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