The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
