I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
