there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
