fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
