I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
