You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Sober January is a disaster.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
