if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
