Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
