turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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