just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
