omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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