So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Randomize
