Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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