Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
