I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
