I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
