My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
