I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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