Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
