Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
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