Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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