Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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