i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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