Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
