what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Your penis caused this!
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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