The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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