i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
