There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
MIDGETS
????
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
