this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
