clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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