I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
