I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
